Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Storm After the Calm - Heading Back to Court

I haven't written for a few weeks.  Haven't done my artwork, my volunteer work, or much of anything else.  And when I'm not active, all the physical pain I endure from bodily damage, a result of the domestic violence, seems to get worse.

After the fabulous month I had in October, reality strikes yet again.  November has been a month of legal work and emotional distress.  It has already proven to be a month of severe triggers for my PTSD. Perhaps it will help to keep writing.  I am reminded of how I named this blog. 

"Until you say Uncle," was a phrase I heard all too often during my marriage to the ex husband.  He would be sitting on my rib cage, pinning me down, or holding me under a bed sheet.  Sometimes I would hear it from the other side of a locked bathroom door - as I sat in the dark, on the side without control, with no escape.  Locked in. 

My ex husband would not stop whatever torture he was dispensing until I said it - he always wanted me to say "Uncle."

Well, it's not so easy for him anymore. I was conditioned to cave when he bullied me in the past.  And just last week he tried to bombard me with all his legal paperwork in an attempt to destroy me, as he is able to afford unlimited attorneys' fees  - but I'm not throwing in the towel.  I am pursuing what is rightfully mine.

In 2006, I received a threat from him that is documented in the District Attorney's office of Westchester County.  They wanted me to press charges at the time, but I was petrified.  My ex scared me over the telephone wires - enough to be unable to function. He said that if I pursued trying to collect the money he owed me....I "would end up on the street."  Dead. 

I laid low for a while after that.  My attorney died in a mysterious car accident.  I had surgery for damage that the ex did to me, and was confined to a wheelchair for 3 months, lots transpired.....time kept ticking.  But I did not say "Uncle."

I began this blog and started speaking out every chance I could. Writing has been my way of fighting for my sons, warning the world of what can happen in high conflict divorces with a narcissist psychopath, hoping that it doesn't happen to you, and of course - there is the disclosure for healing. My writing may sometime seem a bit jumpy, but that is due to my flashbacks and severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not a professional writer. I only write from my heart and experiences. I don't see things or remember things in smooth flowing waves.  My waves are choppy and turbulent.  Flashes of a scene embedded in memory, senses all highly aroused - I relive it all when I write.  Many times it takes me hours to recoup after a blog entry.

Like now - I seem to be jumping around a bit.  There is alot of turbulence in the ocean of my mind today.  I'm going back to court on December 11, to the Westchester County courthouse.  To once again stand up for myself and seek a bit of justice.  Believe me, it is only a small particle of justice in the vast world of what I've been through.  

As my ex husband continues his attempts to destroy me financially and emotionally, it wasn't enough for my ex husband to take my sons from me.  To involve them in every aspect of our legal divorce. The initial forensic psychologist's report came back suggesting I get full custody of my boys, then young teens.  However the ex had already gone into full blown brainwashing mode when I had decided that I wanted a divorce - and would no longer tolerate the abuse. Lies were told to my boys. He even threatened them.  My ex prolonged the divorce procedure to drain me in every way possible.  Another forensic psyche evaluation was ordered.  My ex refused to pay for it, so I borrowed monies to have it completed. This report emphatically proclaimed my ex to be a diagnosed psychopath, sociopath, having anti social personality disorder, and as being morally bankrupt. I continued to fight for my sons.  The financial debt swallowing me up, just regarding the custody issue, was in excess of $250,000. Time was of the essence, and my ex knew that.  He used the years of delaying court procedings to further manipulate and control my sons.  I sought a custody trial, then withdrew it when a judge told me it would be futile if the boys wanted to stay with their father. Therapy sessions were going to assist in reunifying me with my sons, but the ex cancelled them so often that they eventually became nonexistent.  The phone line I was to use to contact my sons was changed into a fax line.  On the few visits I had - the ex would call and interfere with visitation.  I was living a nightmare worse than any beating I survived.  My ex was ripping my heart out.

But I'm still here.  Some days barely.  I need prayers for strength now.  I was left with many physical issues from years of abuse.  I survived, but not without it taking its toll.

I'm headed back to a courtroom in a matter of weeks. Although he boasts of his financial success, his multi million dollar company of Foodirect, etc.,  the ex decided not to pay me what the court ordered.  Well, he always did say he was above the law. 

I don't want to say "Uncle."  Unable to support myself, legally disabled, I so want to live.  What happened to right and wrong - do you get only as much justice  as you can afford?  I wish there were some sort of peace with my sons, but that doesn't seem likely. They, too, were victims.  They were decieved in two ways: 1. By believing lies, and 2. By not believing the truth.  Their hearts are hardened.  That is probably the worse thing that can happen to any soul.  And I don't know if that will ever change.

So, for now - I'm trying to figure out how to keep going.  I'll go to court, I won't give up, and I'll always wonder.

As much as professionals describe Parental Alienation, predicting the wrath of a diagnosed psychopathic ex husband, and the consequences of breaking the silence of abuse - it all seems so surreal. Is this my lot in life?  To just keep seeking to correct wrongs done to me in the court of law? Enabling my ex husband to continue his abuse in other ways.  

It isn't over "Until You Say Uncle."  I don't even want to whisper it.  

Evidence of legal abuse:  (If the ex would have just been decent, forests could have been saved! He spends more $ in legal fees, than if he would just give me what he owes me.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I missed this post until today, the day before your Dec 11 court appearance. I am glad you had help to leave your abuser, and support to keep fighting ... your fight is for all of us who have lived in abuse, and some with death threats and attempts. Maybe some new laws will be enacted from your courageous fight. May God give you everything you need tomorrow. You will be in my prayers.